Double Grand-Final.

In sporting news, Australians who work and pubs and bottleshops must once again endure ANOTHER grand final weekend. In other countries which aren't vast desert land occupied by refugees and immigrants from other areas who've run out of room for people, the sports they invent have logical solutions to a tied game, like 'overtime'. AFL however does not, so we're just going to do it all over again. On the same weekend that another significant national sporting event is on - Bathurst.

Basically, if you are in Australia this coming Saturday night, expect anarchy. Do not go outside at all, let alone to a pub, where you would surely be met with fat men yelling at televisions or at each other about the things on the television, or something that was on it earlier.

In local news, Cruise Ships have once again started to flood Hobart with hoards of dimwitted tourists. Locals can expect to be stopped for directions on each block. Drivers are advised to expect a 4,000,000% increase of people in rental cars doing everything wrong, and to beware of tourist pedestrians in the sullivans cove / salamanca area who will not realise they are walking aimlessly on a busy road.

For Anger Man News,

I'm John Repochsenson.

Sydney Police forgot to turn Friendly Fire off.

 Thousands of New South Wales police officers marched in respect of a deceased member of Sydney's Finest who was killed by other police in a drug raid last week.

For future reference, Friendly Fire settings are located under the Server Settings menu. Officers killing members of their own team... Just like the WAR ON TERRORISM (which must be presented in full caps at all times for dramatic effect). You idiots.

In News that is actually News; Japanese robotics manufacturers AIST are nearing very close to producing humanoid robots to combat Japans massive deficiency of people willing to do a hard days work.

AMN / Phillis Transketchen

Quick Correction;

Yesterday we reported that there was a shitstorm like the one taking place in Hobart at the moment in 1976. Well it was actually 1986. We have sacked everyone to make sure this doesn't happen again. Reports can be prone to error when your meteorology department consists of one old stoner man who lives in fern tree and delivers the report while coming into my work on a daily basis to buy some woodstock and talk to the staff for way too long.

At least it's not the kind of error that effects you, like the ones in supermarket advertisements.

- AMN Management

Wednesday, 15th of September 2010: Arctic Chill en route with Hobart.

Hobartians beware, your terribly cold and miserable city is soon to become even more cold and miserable. Our meteorology team has predicted a massive chill making its way up from Antarctica starting today and growing as the weekend draws near. Apparently the last time the barometric pressure charts (no, we don't know what that means either) looked like this, was in 1976, when it snowed in the city like in television land, the Tasman bridge was closed and everyone was not particularly warm. So suck it, there's nothing you can do about it.

In other news, Models are grotesquely thin, Football players are meth fueled assholes who carry on like sex depraved lunatics and get rewarded for it and something significant probably happened in the Stock Market.

In News That Does Not Matter:

• Oprah is coming to Australia with a bunch of other obese Americans
• Prince Harry is 26
• George Micheal is going to jail for A WHOLE 8 WEEKS for driving high. Diddums.
• Linkin Park announced an Australian tour

 In Sport; Pakistan are fixing cricket matches, just in case opting for a bright green uniform wasn't lame enough.

Tomorrow's Weather Forecast;

Hobart; That annoying sleet that lingers constantly. It never seems to rain but everything's just wet all the time. Also it will be damn cold so go buy some soup.

For Anger Man News,

-Tender Loins

Drug Raid in Launceston.

Many Falls Festival ticket holders had their prospective stashes limited slightly after Launceston's Finest seized a shitload of drugs in a raid on some dealer's house in South Launceston at around 9ish last night.

The boys in blue with 'veranda' haircuts (reached a popularity peak in grade 7) managed to score large amounts of pingers, whippet, timezone, doopalopagus, denglefactwits and also some illegal drugs.

Whoever the former owner of this bundle was is probably going to be put before the courts and released back into society shortly thereafter like most other local criminals, meanwhile, the more bent of the baton wielders enjoy the benefits of being crooked as a mollusk by getting fucking wasted.

- Phillis Transketchen

AMN

Bomb Scare in Hobart.

Remember that LOCAL HERO who successfully defused a lunchbox in town a while ago? Truly deserving of his front page status. However I think a lot of the press coverage was ignoring a common public view;

Hobart has a bomb squad?